Contempt

contempt

contempt for claiming all four children on income taxes

because you failed to pay all court ordered child support. court orders that should be more.

court orders that say you will have the children 3 nights a week.

but you haven’t had them 3 nights a week. You haven’t seen them since October but for 2 – one hour supervised visits you haven’t asked how you children are or to tell them happy birthday or merry Christmas.

The child support should be 85% more yet the court orders haven’t been made yet.

you turned in court ordered sworn financial affidavits nearly a month late and a motion to compel and other documents 3 full months late. These documents provided proof you not only were lying on your SFA but also to have the child support calculated incorrectly. effectively giving you a huge discount.

The child support registry finally was able to recalculate after months of delay on your end, not providing documents and answering phone calls and letters.

They have put you in the arrears. Likely not the $7500 you should owe.

being a single parent is not easy. Being a single parent to four children who know their father abused them and they spoke up and now he can not be in their lives. At times it is peaceful, other times they are angry, not because they wish you could be around, but because you chose to abuse them. Abuse substances and continued to chose them last. They do not miss you. They morn other father’s they see at school and parks, and have anger and confusion why their own father couldn’t handle it.

I have taking 100% of the parenting burdens; all of the school functions, all of the sports costs, equipment, lunches, field trips, shoes, clothes, food, and twice weekly therapy…at a huge discount to you only paying 40% of what you should have.

I have gotten 100% of the hugs. 100% of the secrets about crushes and there deepest dreams. Dreams they are free to express now that you are not telling them they are not good enough. I have gotten 100% of the PJ parties and movie nights. 100% of the Camp Mish adventures. 100% means no more shitty transition days where the kids come back totally pitted against each other and mentally exhausted. I no longer worry if my children will come home abused or scared their dad was drunk again. Or he will kill one or all of them.

Unlike you I see my children as amazing humans with unique abilities, gifts and talents. Not as a tax credit to pay for my criminal defense attorney, the attorney you have because you assaulted the child you think you have the right to claim on taxes.

You try to break us, to beat us down, and put us in the gutter…. and every time we get up stronger than ever.

Now for you retaliate by not paying the court ordered maintenance, is pathetic. And so clearly shows the court your abuse. Thank you.

Praying

Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, but after everything you’ve done
I can thank you for how strong I have become

‘Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell”

I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’

I’m proud of who I am
No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
‘Cause I can make it on my own, oh
And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known
I’ll bring thunder, I’ll bring rain, oh
When I’m finished, they won’t even know your name

You brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell”

I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’

Ah sometimes, I pray for you at night, oh
Someday, maybe you’ll see the light
Whoa oh oh oh, some say, in life, you’re gonna get what you give
But some things only God can forgive

Yeah! (I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’)
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’

 

To say I was, or am contemptuous is furthest from the truth. No, I have the utmost respect for the laws. I knew the law long before you failed to pay the court ordered child support, I had the law in front of me when I filed my taxes. I respect the law. It is within the law I found relief and was able to feed my children.

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Brave Enough

I love self-help books, I love quotes, and anti-dotes. I picked up a copy of Cheryl Strayed, Brave Enough who also authored best-seller Wild. I have not yet read Wild but plan to this summer, now. Brave Enough is a quick read, a collection of quotes, and “words of wisdom”. In the forward Cheryl Strayed expresses her love for quotes and collecting them throughout her life, on walls, chalkboards, and scraps of paper. I too love quotes and have them littered throughout my home, I write and highlight in all my books, and have several Pinterest boards dedicated to quotes or “words of wisdom”.  A few from Brave Enough I particularly loved.

“Be about ten times more magnanimous that you believe yourself capable of being. you life will be a hundred times better for it”.

  • It’s about forgiving, especially a rival.
  • letting go of the burden of holding onto anger.

“Honor is inconvenient and absolute. Honor is looking it square in the face and taking it on the chin. It’s having the guts to break someone’s heart so as to avoid fucking with his or her head”.

“You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else”.

“Parents teach their children how to be warriors, to give them confidence to get on the horse to ride into battle when it’s necessary to do so. If you don’t get that from your parents, you have to teach yourself”.

“You don’t have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you’re holding”.

 

Without the valleys we would not have mountains.

My marriage didn’t work out. He is not in the picture at the moment at all. I am a single parent, I am always the caretaker, no breaks. For the safety of my children I can say this is the best situation. At times I get that pang of wishing things were different. Seeing other divorced parents co-parenting, whether they are decent to each other or no contact; if they are splitting the duties and involved with their children, my heart breaks for my own children. Costco on the weekend is a minefield of happy couples and happy families. Something so simple yet it was never how my relationship was and I regret staying unhappy for so long. But my children were slightly older when I left, they were able to know right and wrong. And how to call 911, and to help take care of each other. They were not babies, things would have been much worse had they been babies.

The day before Mother’s day a time when everyone focuses on how much Mom’s do and give her a break. I am sitting on the porch and can see a dad watching his children while his wife naps. I know this because he told the girls to “go play quietly so mommy can nap”. Part of me is jealous that my ex wouldn’t do that for me, good thing he is my ex, and part of me is sad I won’t have that. Not the break, but the person who puts your needs first, who sees you as a team mate, and the team needs both players to be successful. But single parents are not week or desperate. I recognize my pain and heart break and celebrate my strength and grit to get things done. And putting my children first. I am grateful for the moms who have a partner or co-parent. I am grateful what my children are experiencing is considered rare.

I know my kids are safe and they help each other and me. I am blessed to have them. Their dad should be sad, he misses out on so much, by his own choice. He chose to miss out. They don’t miss him. They don’t talk about him and when asked they began saying, “I don’t want to talk about my dad”. I get both Mother’s day and Father’s day.

We are celebrating and having an amazing adventure. Even with the blip of stress and heart ache. Without the valleys we would not have mountains.

Single Mom Financing

Being a single mom and growing up poor gives you a kind of creative ingenuity that rivals only the depression era. I forget which episode of Shameless it is or if it is not one episode but a compellation of a few; Fiona and her ingenuity reminded me of myself today. Having to find a creative legal way of paying someone.

Adulting is hard, with two people it can be hard, with two checking accounts or two peoples credit cards to fall back on, it is hard. But being a one woman show and only having myself to fall back on can be stressful and scary.

My credit card was close to the limit when we left for our adventure, but I knew there was enough for gas, swimming, and miscellaneous. What I hadn’t counted on was the same cabin we stayed in changing from providing linens to not and having to make a Target run for blankets, pillows, and towels; just the bare minimum. Silver lining: I will always pack sleeping bags, towels, and a few blankets.

We arrived late for the check in and the key was in the night pick up box. As we left for the pool the office wasn’t open yet, I figured I could finish the check in at lunch time. Then it hit me, the Target run! Good god how close am I to the limit??!! When I checked I thought for sure I was ok. But when we checked in I was $20 short. Stupid $20. My only other card has such a low credit limit it was maxed. And I only had $10 cash. I searched my wallet for the off chance of a visa gift card. Checked my card for that emergency $20; I must have spent. Freaking out slightly…. I check my Target card balance and I have $60. I can buy a prepaid $50 visa! Whew. All is well. One more creative single mom financing.

At these times I can get into the self blame, I shouldn’t have bought this or that last week or yesterday. I can really beat myself up. And it is true I could manage my money better. I could hold onto it with a tight iron fist. To afraid to live or coming up short. Which is appropriate and I understand why people do it. I also am justifying not for anyone but myself, I’m giving myself grace. I am recognizing the situation and saying ok this needs to change, but things can still get tight and times will still need some creativity.

journey to mommy strong

During my marriage and into the separation and divorce I felt not good enough, because that is what my ex husband told me. My thighs are to big, my ass is to round, my boobs are not big enough, my shoulders are broad from years of swimming, stretchmarks and cellulite are gross, my white skin is ugly and I was to short. Over the 16 years of knowing him I believed it. I thought no one would ever find me attractive, let alone want to date me because I have no college degree, therefore poor af, and I have four kids. I had deep depression and was allowing myself to say the records of him saying these things over and over. I had horrible PTSD from the abuse; I couldn’t drive past any black vehicle without having that flight or fight adrenaline rush feeling, I wasn’t sleeping more than in 30minute bursts, I was scared for my children to be alone with him, he hired a shark of an attorney, he wasn’t paying any support, and was in contempt. I had tried dating, mostly to feel better about myself, and ruined each “relationship”. I finally sought professional help and was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD, I was prescribed Zoloft. And took it for 3 months, it helped pull me out of the pit of anxiety and the constant adrenaline rush feeling. I was able to sleep. I finally started feeling more stable and was able to read law books, gaining knowledge, I went into mediation not a mess and was able it negotiate without getting fully taken advantage of. Then he cancelled insurance and I was no longer able to get therapy or Zoloft. I would have to face divorce and an trial without any form of medication. I did and stood up for myself, first of many.

The following months I worked out, read self-help books, dating books, and redid our apartment. I finally started loving myself from the inside out.

Mommy bodies are strong. Not just on the outside but from the inside out.

I read, watched, and even bought a self-help seminar, any thing I could get my hands on from dating coach Mathew Hussy. Although I would say he is a life coach. His series “Impact” was a life changer. I spent months dating myself when my kids were with their dad, and enjoying (really enjoying) my time with them. I started taking selfies, weird I know or not in today’s culture, of me with my kids and on days I felt good about myself. It became easier. I learned how to set boundaries and communicate more effectively. And more important to just be unapologetically myself. I was no longer concerned about posting funny memes or even “fuck you” memes. I owned my emotions, my hurt, my anger, and healed. I celebrated my strength my small victories. I stood firm against abuse from the ex and his attorneys or anyone else who wanted to harm my children. I started school and learned how to balance. I felt like I was running on all 8 cylinders for the first time in forever, the last time I felt this good was when I was 19. I was going to school full-time, working, working out daily, and planning our wedding…and he was 500miles away. I wish I knew then how narcissist can drain you, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. They want everything you have. The more they see your power, intelligence, influence, popularity, or money they want to chip away at it until you are no longer yourself. I finally felt like myself again and becoming my full potential. I can regret time wasted with him, but I have four beautiful children. And without him being like a Demeantor, sucking our souls out, we are becoming closer and fulfilling our own destinies.

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I will never have my Pre-mommy body back…and I don’t want it.

I saw this post this morning on my Facebook news feed from scarymommy.com. It is fitting with Mother’s day weekend.

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I love this and would add, I will never get my pre-baby body back, I may get close to the same shape or weight but my pre-baby body it gone. I am glad it is gone. My body is beautifully wonderful after my four babies. My body did things I was told it would be to little to do, I was told with my first that because of my 5’0 height I would need C-sections. I had all four without epidurals and there were induced. My mom body has stretch marks and cellulite; I still rock a bikini even though I look nothing like a VS model. My body has been through some shit. And it is strong, mommy strong. Celebrate your mommy strong body!

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When things aren’t adding up…

….start subtracting!

  • your time
  • effort
  • money
  • affection

It is a quick way to find out where someone intentions lie.

I was thinking about the recent incident with “the guy” from my earlier post. I recently watched a youtube video and wanted to link it. Derrick Jaxn has great dating and life advice.

The video is titled, “he doesn’t want you he wants help!” Derrick hit the nail on the head.

 

 

 

Encouragement to Myself

written December 2016 in my 2017 Calendar

Dear Danielle,

Look at it this way all the shit he put you through and you still managed to kick ass and he had to push you down harder, he couldn’t stand by your strength and beauty. Take it as a lesson thank him for making  the you stronger and better.

Your life is brighter and more full. you will take nothing from no one and know you can and will do it. You have always been a BADASS and you have become more this year. You did it! You did impossible. I am so proud of you. You took on the giants and are winning. keep going. keep your head high, keep your integrity, keep learning. I can’t wait to see what 2017 holds for you.

Love, Danielle

 

Each time you were burned you, like a phoenix to dictionary, came back, was reborn into something more beautiful, more powerful and more eloquent than before. Thank the process. (1/5/2017)

I believe in speaking affirmations to myself. Finding the “truth” or the silver linings in every situation, for example if I am feeling not good enough I will make a list of all the things I am good at or doing well. Even the small stuff, especially the small stuff, I call them Adult Gold Stars. Some days when I focus on little things that are going well they turn into big things. “I turned my time card in on time, without being reminded”, “We were on time to school today”, “I washed, dried, and folded a load of laundry”.

What would your letter to yourself say?

There are only 18 summers in childhood….

Last summer I knew might be one of my last that I would have off completely, I set out to make the most of it. In high school my nickname was “Mish” a shortened version of my maiden name, when I divorce I had every intention of changing it back. However, with being a teacher at the kids’ school I decided to wait until later. Mostly I wanted to ability to change back, to stick it to him, to say, “you are a jerk and your whole family are jerks and I will not be associated with that level of jerk”. I change my name on social media as my dad drove me home from the courthouse the day the divorce was finalized.

Knowing the could be last (full) summer I wanted it to be extra special, and to make up for the last 11 summers that were not so great. As I sat in music class with my students learning about a composer I thought, “we should learn about different classical music”. Then it hit me, we should have theme weeks. I went home and brain stormed the weeks themes, taking into consideration the weeks that they would spend time at their dad’s house. As a child I always wanted to go to summer camp, a side effect of watching “salute your shorts”. So I decided to call our themes and summer “Camp Mish”.

“Camp Mish” Themes Summer 2017

To kick of summer I made baskets from the dollar tree with candy, bubbles, flip-flops and activity books (I believe I posted about this in an earlier post, but I neglected the blog and I will be redundant)

Week 1 – Knights – like King Arthur.

Week 2 – Space and science

Week 3 – Pirates

Week 4 – Spy school

Week 5 – Ocean

Week 6 – ‘Merica

Week 7 – Cooking show

Week 8 – Classic Hollywood

Week 9 – Frozen

Week 10 – Legos

Week 11- Bon Voyage Summer

Wow what a packed summer. Of course my kids want to do this again…and with all my free time (sarcasm) I will make it happen.

Camp Mish 2018 Summer themes:

Week 1: Hello Summer!

  • activities: Summer bucket lists
  • baskets: On my to do list

Week 2: Crafts

  • Nat has a jewelry camp this week so crafts works well
  • Activity: go to the library and find a book about a new craft you would like to learn about and make a supplies list (under $20), go shopping and make your crafts
  • Additional crafts or youtube other how to’s

Week 3: Native American; I picked this because at the end of the week we will be staying in a KOA in a teepee.

  • find books about Native American’s particularly Colorado tribes
    • Where did they live? What did they eat?
  • I like to listen to books on tape while we drive, find Sherman Alxi Short stories.

Week 4: Scary stories

  • read scary stories
  • watch scary movies; not zombie (that’s later)

Week 5: Science; My youngest has a science camp this week

  • Science experiments
  • edible science- rock candy, etc

Week 6: ‘ Merica because America is great, duh. And it is 4th of July week 🙂

  • Crafts: Flags, fireworks

Week 7: Greeks

  • discover what Greeks contributed to our societies
  • Mythology!
  • Watch Percy Jackson

 

Week 8: Romans (Can’t study just the Greeks)

  • What did the Roman’s contribute?
  • Philosophers
  • Build a roman empire

Week 9: Video games

  • Coding?
  • Classics, history
  • Watch “The Wizard”

Week 10: Short stories

  • write a short story (writing prompts)
  • read collections or short stories
  • listen to on tape

Week 11: Zombies My oldest boy has zombie camp

  • survival skills

Week 12: Bon Voyage Summer!

 

 

 

 

To date or not to date…

After this past weeks drama with dating, I am left questioning: Do I want to date? Do I want to take a break from dating this summer?

I never closed my dating app, rather deleted the app from my phone while “dating the guy” who ended up being insecure or crazy or using me… whatever. I am left with a bad taste. I looked today at all of the messages and thought about the effort it takes to message and even to play “swipy-swipe” and I am just not wanting to at the moment, maybe in a few weeks or in the fall.

We have a jam packed summer. And we really do love summer. Last summer was great, the best one yet. I need to post about Camp Mish and the theme weeks, I can with all this free time I have without dating! 🙂 Yet another positive.

Since I am a teacher I get off for the summer, I also dropped down from part-time teaching to just subbing. I no longer have a contract so I can focus on school and my regular hours are during my would be classes. Because I am trying to graduate as quickly as possible I am taking a full twelve credits this summer.  Starting with a Two-week full-day American Government course, It starts the Monday after my kids school gets out. Then English and Math, and for my own self care, Painting. I love to paint and am looking forward to getting to regularly. We also bought season passes to the water park. I will be coaching swimming again. And of course we plan on camping with our pop-up in addition to our planned trips. With all of these activities do I really want to take time away from my kids and my own interests to pursue something? Or chat, maybe go out, and find out we are not compatible?

Pro’s to not dating this summer:

  • Not paying for additional babysitting (beyond when I am in class)
  • time for girlfriends
  • time for myself
  • focus on homework
  • time to explore my painting, read, blog (since this is new)
  • time to focus on eating heathier and working out (boys seem to distract from that)
  • naps

Con’s to not dating

  • no cuddles (JK that is a pro summer is to hot to cuddle)
  • TMI but no sex, purely masturbation (again has a pro – no worries about protection and STI/STDs)
  • might miss out on finding “the one” (ok really if he were interested he would have asked months ago, he’s not so move on girlfriend! And maybe there is no the one, or the timing is not right. And maybe if it is meant to be it will happen no matter what???)

My conclusion I just don’t want to date at the moment.